


50 Shades of Snark

by BirdOfHermes



Category: The Dresden Files - All Media Types, The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: F/M, OOC, Riffing, Team Dresden riffing a bad movie, Tumblr Prompt, blame tumblr, casual OOCness, how could i not write this though, slight shippy stuff with Harry and Murph
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 03:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4989139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdOfHermes/pseuds/BirdOfHermes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Team Dresden riffing the 50 Shades of Grey movie. You're welcome. Also, blame Tumblr for this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Shades of Snark

**Author's Note:**

> I swear for Gawd, I need to stay away from the Dresden Files fandom on Tumblr because they keep giving me fanfic ideas. This is just shameless fun, so please enjoy. 
> 
> Also, I know what happens in 50 Shades, but I have not seen the film, so that's why some scenes aren't discussed and why we just hear random commentary from Team Dresden.
> 
> This is pure crackfic. Some of Team Dresden will be a little OOC because this is just a humor-based story.

“This is highly inappropriate,” Harry Dresden protested, for what his friends thought had to be the fourth or fifth time that evening.

“That’s the point, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes,” Thomas said, idly tossing a piece of popcorn at his brother. Harry caught it and popped it in his mouth, glaring sourly at him.

“My point still stands.”

“Oh, hush,” Molly chided, leaning in front of the DVD player. “It took a hell of a suppression spell to get all this tech to work in the presence of two wizards, so don’t get yourself worked up.”

She paused and glanced over her shoulder, waggling her eyebrows. “At least not in that way.”

Harry tossed his head back and groaned. “Molly, that is just…wrong. On so many levels.”

She giggled, clicking the enormous flat-screen television over to the right input. “You’re such an old fuddy-duddy sometimes, Harry. Relax. We’re all adults here.”

“Yeah, because watching borderline porno in front of your brother, girlfriend, and former apprentice isn’t weird,” he grumbled, taking a sip of beer as Murphy passed it to him in an attempt to soothe him. She sat sideways across Molly’s couch with her legs draped over his lap and her head against the arm, her blue eyes amused as they caught sight of Harry’s already flushed cheeks.

“Relax,” Murphy said. “If the reviews are any indication, very little sex actually occurs in this movie.”

“Right?” Thomas snorted. “You’d think the fastest selling erotic novel of all time would have a movie adaptation with actual sex in it.”

“Hollywood,” Molly said, shaking her head and collapsing into the love seat across from the vampire. “Do they ever get anything right? Let’s just hope they never make a movie about Harry.”

“Or a T.V. show,” Harry added. “God-only-knows how that would end up.”

The credits opened and Thomas and Molly both let out facetious, “Wooooo!” noises as if they were watching an episode of Jerry Springer. Murphy stifled a laugh and continued sharing the bowl of popcorn with her fidgety boyfriend. Thankfully, the movie’s content quickly got rid of any of his remaining shyness.

“Steele?” Harry sputtered. “Her actual name is ‘Anastasia Steele’? You’re kidding me.”

Molly burst into giggles. “I guess ‘Sexy McHotVagina’ was already taken.”

Thomas snorted, sipping his own beer as said protagonist literally stumbled into the office containing Christian Grey. “Nah. Fumbles McStupid sounds a lot more accurate.”

Molly wrinkled her nose and tilted her head. “And is it just me or is Mr. Grey way less impressive than how they described him in the book?”

Harry glanced at her. “You read it?”

“Of course. I haven’t laughed that hard since…God, have I ever laughed that hard? E.L. James trying to write erotica is like Hannibal Lecter trying to teach an anti-violence seminar.”

“You know,” Murphy mused. “I’d actually prefer watching that to this. How old is this girl supposed to be?”

“College age,” Thomas supplied.

“And you’re sure she’s not Amish?”

Thomas grinned. “That also would have been a better movie than 50 Shades of Grey. Score one for Team Murphy.”

“Does it explain in the book why this guy’s such a douche?” Harry asked.

Molly opened her mouth and then closed it. “…yes and no? He had an abusive childhood.”

Harry stared at her. “And?”

“And that’s kind of it.”

“Oh, well, then that makes it okay to be a misogynistic piece of crap. Man, what a load off my mind.”

The movie continued to progress, and the reveal of Christian Grey’s ‘playroom’ caused a unanimous uproar. Harry buried his face in both hands and muttered, “Oh my God” while Murphy collapsed into hysterical laughter alongside Thomas, and Molly just shook with silent giggles.

“T-Thomas,” Murphy asked through gasping breaths. “Please tell me that the White Court has a playroom like this and you just casually bring women into it like it’s no big deal.”

“Absolutely,” Thomas said, wiping away a tear. “I mean, it’s not like women have survival instincts that say, ‘Please run away from the creepy stalking asshole who just brought you into a room to be his sex slave despite only knowing you for like two days.’ Happens all the time.”

“Yep,” Molly said. “Who needs actual chemistry or a personality when you’ve got sweet washboard abs and a billion dollar company? I mean, look at that apartment? Would you question his sanity and clear mental instability?”

Then there was the scene with Christian and Ana discussing the contract out loud to each other, to which Thomas said, “I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve never been hornier in my life. Yeah, girl, read that statute. Talk about that clause, you sexy bitch.”

“Watching C-Span is sexier than this,” Murphy added. “At least that’s educational. The only thing this movie is teaching me is that E.L. James never Googled ‘S and M’ once before writing this garbage.”

“The kinkiest thing in this movie is Christian’s hair,” Molly said through snickering. “I mean, come on. Missionary position? That’s all we get in a movie that advertised all kinds of bondage play?”

Harry shuddered. “For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to pretend you don’t know what those two words mean.”

Molly rolled her eyes. “Murphy, maybe you should finally have The Talk with your blushing maiden over there.”

Harry glared and Murphy rolled her bottom lip under to hide a smile. “You see, Harry, when two people love each other very much…”

He then aimed the glare at her, and a rather secretive smile accompanied it. “I seem to recall working knowledge of the birds and the bees. Rather recently, I might add.”

Murphy cleared her throat, ignoring the slight flare up of heat across her cheeks. “And if you want to again, maybe you should shut up and watch the movie.”

“Mm-hmm,” he said, facing forward. Meanwhile, his hand snuck underneath her t-shirt and his fingers started drawing circles on the small of her back. Murphy glared and he just sat there smirking, just daring her to say something and alert the other two to what he was up to. Worse still, she felt herself growing restless from something other than being ticklish.

“Wow,” Thomas drawled, after watching Ana cry and stumble away from Christian’s “punishment.” “If that’s his idea of punishment, I should take this clown to Zero someday. We’d have him crying within five minutes.”

“Five?” Harry said incredulously. “He’d last a minute-thirty at best. He’d be someone’s bitch before finishing his drink.”

“Which would also be a better movie than 50 Shades of Grey,” Murphy said.

“Two for Team Murph.”

Mercifully, the end credits arrived and everyone applauded sarcastically. Molly hopped up from her seat and popped the DVD out, her grin fiendish. “So…I guess we’re going to the premiere of the next one?”

“ _There’s more than one of these?_ ” Harry sputtered.

Molly held up her hand, wiggling her fingers. “There are in fact two more books.”

“That’s it. I’m summoning up the legions of Nevernever to destroy this planet.”

“Well, do that after dessert,” Thomas said lazily as he stood. “Murph, you want something while I’m up?”

“Dove bar, if she’s got one.”

“Roger that.” He followed Molly into the kitchen.

Harry sat patiently, waiting for Murphy to give him a good smack for his covert rub-down during the movie. Instead, she drained the last of the beer and set the bottle aside on the coffee table. “Y’know, as bad as that was, this movie actually did give me a thought.”

Harry’s eyebrows rose. Murphy’s little smile somehow managed to be so filthy that Harry was sure the FCC was going to arrest her for it. He swallowed, unable to prevent a small squeak from entering his voice as he answered. “Uh. What thought is that?”

She leaned towards him until she could reach his ear. “How exactly does one punish the Winter Knight?”

She slid back smoothly to lie against the couch as Thomas returned, victoriously biting into the ice cream bar while Harry rearranged her legs over his lap and wondered if his head would catch fire from blushing so hard.

“Well, we survived 50 Shades of Grey,” Thomas said. “I think it’s safe to say we can survive anything.”

Molly turned with a DVD case between her hands, the maniacal grin returning in full force.

“Even…a Sharknado?”

“…goddamn it, Molly.”

FIN


End file.
